Famous Rockstars Are Losing Their Jobs to Automation

This makes me miss the time where the entire music industry was a bunch of Pitbull collabs.

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Hi there fellow up-and-coming nowhere-goers and welcome to another edition of my lousily scheduled newsletter. Back with a lil' bit of post-vacation depression, you’ll notice I'm rambling about one issue instead of five again. To those of you who missed the format — cheers! The rest of you, proceed with caution.

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It's hard to imagine a specimen like Mick Jagger getting benched by any form of technological automation whatsoever, but let's not forget ourselves here. The microwave was a cutting-edge technology back when Mick and his coworkers were already making farewell tours — read: they're old. Ozzy Osbourne is 75 years close to death by natural causes already, probably still looking for a 12-step program that could help him quit life expectancy. And we'll have to wait for the results of the carbon-14 test to know exactly how old Alice Cooper is, but I'd guess pretty fucking ancient.

Point is, rock is dying, so copyright holders have been scavenging for anything that could help them keep merch sales high once every one of these geriatric legends becomes one with the Force.

The idea so far is to turn them all into holograms.

KISS announced theirs last December, to very mixed reviews. Instead of going for something photorealistic like what we saw with Tupac or MJ years ago, they decided to prematurely ejaculate a bunch of CGI avatars that look like discount Fortnite skins.

It is not the way fans had imagined for rock'n roll to "never die," but hey, it's something. These days you gotta be grateful your favourite artist wasn't featured in Jeffrey Epstein's list cause that's the real career killer, not ChatGPT.

But talking about celebrities who are into 14-year-olds — a holographic Elvis Presley tour was announced as well, and people are excited about this one. I mean, the king's been powering a whole microeconomy of biopics, impersonators, and conspirational forum threads about whether he faked his death and came back decades later to make that Home Alone cameo, all from the grave. The guy is hype.

And I don't know, maybe it's just nostalgic boomers looking into this, but I can see this trend climaxing into a large line of unemployed live musicians who keep losing gigs and venues to the poltergeist of Freddy Mercury — or whoever they resurrect next. Who likes modern entertainment anyway? Take a generation that considers Matt Rife "comedy" and cross-breed it with whoever keeps buying tickets to the race-swapped Disney princesses, and you get exactly the level of cultural retardation we're in.

Ok, not everything is terrible, but if there is an alternative explanation for why we can't stop putting DJ Khaled on the top charts, science hasn't found it yet. All I'm saying is that we can do better than desecrating the memory of an old legend like John Lennon, turning it into a patronus, and forcing him to do TikTok dances to connect with modern audiences.

But fair enough, there's probably no money to be made there anyway.

Enough small talk already. I have to power through 8 hours of sleep-inducing Lofi hip-hop for neurodivergent attic dwellers, you’re gonna have to excuse me.

Stay cocky,

Loudt