Antarctica Loses Giant Chunk of Ice but It's Totally Not Your Fault

And also: Amazon loses shower argument, YouTuber flies plane and lands in prison, Zelenskyy is on drugs (according to Elijah Wood), and guys literally only want one thing

Dec 13, 2023

Scientists say it is currently the world’s biggest iceberg at 1,500 square miles. That’s about five times the land area of New York City. It’s also about 1,300 feet thick, roughly equivalent to the height of the Empire State Building.

Just when 2023 is declared the hottest year on record, we get news of a chunk of Antarctica big enough to have a zip code melting away. Coincidence? Yes. That iceberg tore off the continent in the 80s, so I don't want any Greta Thunberg-inspired TikToks using it to make me feel guilty for using too many coffee pods. But why are we hearing of it just now, you ask? Well, it's moving. And we haven't had one bit of nautical drama since the billionaires imploded in the Titanic submersible, so I guess that's all it takes.

Amazon Loses Shower Argument

After a spy camera designed to look like a towel hook was purchased on Amazon and illegally used for months to capture photos of a minor in her private bathroom, Amazon was sued.

In an incredible display of greed-fueled negligence, Amazon's Product Safety Team showed the same commitment to "safety" as 1990's Robert Downey Jr. getting a foreskin tattoo at the handicapped stall of a Walmart restroom when they approved a spycam to be sold on the site. More so, they put on a surprised Pikachu face when some voyeuring perv with a Prime subscription bought the spycam to make child porn in the exact way it was advertised. I don't know what they were thinking, but they better start giving discounts on fake moustaches and wigs cause I'm sure someone's gonna get chased by Chris Hansen after this one.

YouTuber Flies Plane, Fakes Crash, Lands in Prison

An “experienced pilot, skydiver, and former Olympic athlete,” Jacob hatched his plot to crash the plane after a company agreed to sponsor a video in which [he] would promote a wallet.

I don't know what's sadder: to throw away 6 months of your life in federal prison for a tenth of the views MrBeast regularly pulls, or the fact that said video and ensuing drama blew away the last four Fast and Furious movies both in compelling action and character development. The takeaway? Make sure your kids get enough attention and love before they're old enough to get a pilot's license.

Zelenksyy Is on Drugs, According to Elijah Wood

Pro-Russia propagandists tricked multiple American celebrities into recording videos that were then doctored and used to try to discredit Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy.

Ever since 2020 happened I haven't been able to watch celebs coalesce over a performative selfie-camera video statement without wondering which Beatles song they're gonna butcher next. Fortunately, this time it was only the Russians trying to make Zelenskyy look like a cocaine enthusiast. Will this help them call final dibs on Crimea? Probably not. But goddammit they made me fear for Hey Jude there for a second.

Guys Literally Only Want One Thing

AI apps that can "undress" women in photos are seeing higher numbers of users, data showed. Such "undressing" sites and apps let users upload an image of someone fully clothed. AI is then used to generate a fake nude image of them.

These parasocial attic goblins have crossed a new frontier of incelhood with this one — but let’s be honest with ourselves. If all the free porn the dotcom boom could provide did not satisfy these far-out degenerates, nothing will. In a sense, the golden era of Photoshop’s Liquify tool abuse on Instagram was only the beginning. We’re in the endgame now, which means it’s probably time to consider riskier gambits if we want to solve this problem. I have one idea, and tissue brands are probably going to hate me for it, but nothing says “I’m socially well-adjusted now” quite like being a castrato singer at the opera. Just putting it out there.

But enough small talk. The 21st century is shaping up to be quite the embarrassing chapter in the history books and we’re not even a quarter of the way there. So you go do your thing until I’m back with more things to ruin, k?

Stay cocky,

Loudt