You Can Die From Being a Loser

Jul 05, 2022

As far as fatal affairs go I gotta admit "death by low status" sounds a little too tame to win a Darwin Award, but there's still a good reason why so many has-been celebs choose to go to Dancing with the Stars before letting their names fade into irrelevancy. Being a loser may not be as brutal as falling into a lion cage but you'll pray your reputation isn't hanging off a poor cha-cha critique regardless.

How to Win Friends at Influencing People

With the amount of lifestyle variety that late-stage capitalism affords we might be fooled into the belief that each human being wakes up with a different agenda in mind—this is factually wrong. Gen Zers make up custom pronouns for the exact same reason Chinese parents pressure their firstborns until they either become music prodigies or Codeine addicts: status anxiety.

Hard to argue with this: the longing for status hits you right in the Maslow's hierarchy of needs, almost right after food and shelter. That means you only need a 1-bedroom apartment and some cookie dough for dinner to qualify for the reputation climb. And be sure everyone's itch is to peak as high as possible.

Sick of Losing

The winner lifestyle is not just for sigma-grindset, type-A personalities who refuse to let themselves cry or drink anything without taurine in it—collecting some wins in life can be a form of self-care. It leads to lower rates of anxiety and depression, higher self-esteem, longer life expectancy... It's like taking a bite straight out of an aloe vera plant, only less viscous.

Hard to argue with this: but you may retort "Well, high-status people also have a higher quality of life, hence why the health benefits." Yes, perhaps being able to afford tuna that isn't seasoned with microplastics helps, but status is a strong signal of better health even if you are a Newport cigarettes enthusiast. Seriously, save yourself some money on apples and go get yourself a reputation. That'll keep the doctor away alright.

That's Not What I Like

People throughout history have always had ways of visual cue-ing one's position on the privilege ladder but modern times certainly don't leave room for imagination. Everyone's renown is perfectly quantified by a follower count and a "like" tally. That mechanic might help a socially-impaired C3-PO like Mark Zuckerberg fraternise with other humans, but to the rest of us is just a reminder that our place in society is being constantly monitored and that we're probably far from the lead.

Think about it: pull a low-end Huawei out of your pocket and people will mentally sort you apart from the iPhone users. Status is everywhere, in the brand of your shoes and whether your wristwatch has a calculator or a Rolex logo. If you ride a Bentley and a blue check you're a winner; if not, enjoy the hyper-targeted ads trying to recruit you into a Tony Robbins workshop or some other product designed to monetize underachievers.

Two's a Crowd

For those of you wondering how much of a loser one can be, Japanese men have already reached the endgame. They call them the hikikomori. If they don't end up married to a pillow, these hardcore loners will commit to the lifestyle of an indoor plant: cloister inside a janitor closet-sized room and convert oxygen into carbon dioxide until their bodies expire of old age. Hell, even a train ride during rush hour in Japan can get you some action. I'm rooting for these guys.

Jump to this conclusion: it doesn't take much to go down the slippery slope of the lonely loser. Haven't you had contact with another human being in six months or more? Do you stroke your pubes instead of your chin to think? Do you consider showers to be optional? It might be time to create that throwaway Reddit account and seek some help.

So, technically...

You can die from being a loser. Status is more than a convenient perk to skip nightclub lines, it's an essential psychological need we all need to take care of. Essentially, being a loser can end you just as much as a B12 deficiency can down a vegan, so don't let those L's pile up my friend. And if you need a quick boost in popularity, you can always talk a rapper friend into making a sex tape. Apparently that works.