Women Are Crazy, Science Finally Admits
The biggest scientific breakthrough that will totally not change how I think about my ex girlfriends that much to be honest
Let me clarify before everyone jumps at me with insults and hashtags. I'm not talking about the "throwing a fit of jealousy cause someone named 'Alarm' has been texting her boyfriend every morning" kind of crazy.
I'm talking about actual, diagnosed psychopathy here. Tumblr fan page material. So fellas, put your toilet seats in the supine position because experts have recently revealed there might be a lot more crazy women out there than what was previously admitted.
I mean, if we are to trust the current gender distribution of serial killer documentaries, you'd think that for every ten Ted Bundies, we'd be lucky to get one Aileen Wuornos. It's as male-dominated a field as urinal etiquette or jizz sock hoarding (don't google that, ladies) and I don't see the genre featuring any more female leads unless Disney acquires it.
You could assume this is because not as many women are born newsworthy, blood-thirsty lunatics. And that would be sexist. But fair enough, psychopaths of the he/him variety are more likely to make life decisions that will climax in a televised trial.
Crazy women are more subtle. They won't chop you up with a chainsaw, but they will give you that wide-eyed, haunted mannequin, Elizabeth Holmes death stare that pierces your soul and lets your nape hair know that she has a collection of decapitated Rapunzel dolls watching over her bed.
Or as psychologists call it, "hard to diagnose."
The current system for spotting wackos works like the modern corporate ladder: it’s rigged to give men an unfair advantage. It focuses too much on antisocial behaviour and violence — things that are almost exclusive to male psychopaths — so just like in the patriarchy, you score points for having testicles. It's like a Buzzfeed "Which Famous Serial Killer Are You" personality quiz, but if you're male, your final result always comes out as being put on a watch list.
And look, I get it. I too want Craigslist's Rideshare section to be a safer place, but let's put an end to the notion that only men are capable of being maniacs in statistically significant numbers because there is so much we don't know about female psychopathy. Perhaps because no male researcher in his right mind will ever apply for a grant to try to mansplain mood swings to women, but still.
I know. Not the most pressing gender gap. And maybe the only thing we accomplish by normalizing female psychos is a pink tax on rat poison — but I like the idea of going through this together. You know, instead of jumping at each other's throats, we could find some common ground.
We could recommend duct tape brands to each other. Even share tips on the most efficient ways to store body parts in a basement freezer.
And whatever the future holds for the mentally unstable, I'm all of it as long as we get to face it together. Cause I believe that, if we get organized, this future will have handicapped parking permits for everyone.
But anyway, enough small talk. I guess the lesson here is, don't judge a book by its gender until they've shown proof that they're keeping up with their Clozapine prescription.
Inebriatedly yours,
Loudt
#loudt