Waking Up Early Is Dumb (Backed by Science)
And also: Darwin award-winning eye infections, questionable climate science, ChatGPT-powered fake news, and how much should you tip at the self-checkout?
Arguably the one diversity box no one wants to tick on their 23andme report, but if you consider yourself an early riser — spoiler alert — a new study came out suggesting those 5 AM Club genes you carry were inherited by Neanderthals. What does this mean? Well, if the 3D renders are any accurate, it means your forefathers effectively killed a boner inside some witless 1-out-of-10 crone with the femininity of Jocko Willink on camo face paint. Don't let me discourage you though; as someone with the sleeping pattern of a smoke detector who considers Monster's "Rehab Strawberry Lemonade" flavour an essential food group, I speak out of envy here.
Homoeopathic Eye Drops Work And Whoever Says Otherwise Is Right
2023 wasn't as good a year for eye drops as it was for Gwyneth Paltrow trials. From people turning themselves into side characters of the movie Bird Box to outright dying of a Darwin award-winning eye infection, everyone lost — and the FDA is not happy about it. But again, your typical magnet-grinding tree hugger who gave these homoeopathic drops a try probably questioned the peer-reviewed science of Covid's booster shots, so if this isn't natural selection, I don't know what is. And rest assured I'm not gonna delve any deeper into the quarantined subreddits inbreeding this kind of target buyer to find out.
Ecologist Who Inspired World to Plant 1 Trillion Trees Finally Gives Up
His name is Thomas Crowther and his work was responsible for popularizing the fashionable internet karma-farming technique of tree planting. Celebs got their clout, multinational corporations had a cheap way of pretending they give a fuck, and everyone thought we were saving the planet's atmosphere from having the air quality of a Burning Man camping tent during a post-coital bong break. It was goddamned perfect. Until Thomas had to come out again and admit he had overhyped the effectiveness of new trees to save us from climate Armageddon. Are you telling me that all these years I've wasted getting suboptimal search results with Ecosia were for nothing? Someone get me Al Gore on the phone.
The Most Internetty Shit That Ever Internet'd the Internet
I feel like the savvy world wide web surfer has already built up enough immunity to deranged Internet takes to know one when they see one, but not everyone has exposed themselves to enough clips of Kanye West getting rowdy in a podcast, so here's my public service announcement: websites hosting AI-generated false news stories have gone up 1000%, and some of you average cyber enjoyers go about the web with no adblocker, no VPN, getting gangbanged by cookie trackers and consuming content with the fact-checking thoroughness of an Alex Jones-narrated History Channel documentary about dildo-shaped spaceship sightings. Do I think this will be a problem? It very well could, I mean, maybe not enough to force us to — gag — get out of the house to find out The Truth®, but I bet it could absolutely tilt an election in favour of whichever candidate subscribes to GPT4 first. #AndrewTate2024.
Some Good News to Cope
Cheap Non-Tippers Are Winning
Living on an island with tax exemptions I wouldn't usually cover this type of upbeat story on the chamber, but my friend
wants me to whistle jolly and look on the bright side of life so here's my practice run: we owe to people who can't experience shame their valiant fight against the iPad-powered tipping culture, because they're winning so hard that some businesses are raising worker pay to compensate for the lack of client gratuity. Listen, don't feel bad. We both know some service-sector workers out there will watch you customize your Menchie's Toffee Nut at the self-serve yoghurt store and still expect to get tipped like they were the last to leave a circle in a MrBeast challenge. Like, if I wanted to get shamed and dominated into sadomasochist submission by a business, I'd call the AT&T customer service line. Inflation made us this way.But enough small talk. I'd love to rant myself to sleep, but I sense the Christmas spirit coming for me and I only have 4 days to find a way out of the Naughty List before it arrives.
Stay cocky,
Loudt
I'm an influencer with an audience of one. 😂 I'll take it.
Love that service workers are being paid more so I don't have to tip them for breathing. I need that money to support my stupid writing career after all.
Good luck getting off the naughty list. 😇
Yes! Finally some justice for the late risers. The only way I'm awake at 5 a.m. is if I haven't gone to sleep yet. I don't think I was ready for #AndrewTate2024. But anything is possible. Why do you want off the naughty list? I worked so hard to get on it.