The Diminishing Returns of Selling a Kidney

For my next side hustle I think I'm renting a Mike Myers face mask and a getaway car

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Ever since I became old enough to make my own financial decisions I knew I would eventually have to part ways with half my renal system to keep myself afloat.

And it used to be a great deal. Getting five grand and halving my risk of urinary tract infection? Nothing I could offer at a garage sale could top that ROI.

Well, maybe breastmilk, if you can make it. But looking at how the whole market of bodily fluids had been booming in recent years, even sperm, piss and turds could all turn a decent profit if you found the right buyer. Couple that with a part-time OnlyFans for feet pics and even Liberal Arts graduates could almost make a living.

But this golden era is about to be gone, my friend.

A bunch of biotech companies think humans have had the organ market in what Milburn Pennybags would call a Monopoly for far too long. They want to offer new alternatives. They want to diversify the product suite.

They want to make pig organ transplants a thing.

Yes, we’re talking about literal swine-sourced innards. Hearts, kidneys, lungs — anything that could go into an Oscar Mayer hotdog, they got it. One man's protein serving can become another man's way out of end-stage hepatitis C, and if that is not peak capitalism, I don't what is.

But I know what you're thinking.

Is it safe?

Is it even keto?

The answer is — too early to tell. There have been some pioneering surgical attempts already, and although none of the patients were able to survive long-term, they did run on porcine hardware for a good six weeks. That's progress.

Companies like Revivicor and eGenesis have been developing this tech for 20 years. They’re serious about this.

For starters, the piglets used to harvest organs are not the same ones you'd get with a side of baked beans in your British breakfast. These piglets are genetically modified; otherwise, a typical human immune system would react to the pig organ the way my HP printer responds to third-party cartridges, and it's not pretty.

So it’s time to HODL your organs, I guess. I mean I'm no expert. Rick wouldn't call me to the shop at Pawn Stars to appraise the value of a young, healthy kidney. But I figure yours is going to be worth a pat on the back and some dollar store coupons once the pig alternative floods the market.

Because that's the thing: it may not be the same as the pure homo sapiens stuff, but pig organs can be mass-produced. And if there is anything that registered organ donors lack (apart from the ability to shut up about it) is the capacity to generate enough supply to meet demand.

Currently, 1.2 million people in the world are in the queue to get a transplant. And not in a fun way, like when you set up a tent in front of the Apple store to get the new iPhone. Only in the US, 17 people die each day before they get the organs they need. And unless Red Bull starts sponsoring reckless drivers and jaywalkers I don't see that line moving any faster.

But enough small talk. It'll be years before the transplant unit at your local hospital offers you a QR code menu, so I wouldn't worry about it. And if you’re anything like me, most women in the south hemisphere already think you have the heart of a pig, so what’s the rush anyway.

On the edge,

Loudt