In Unsurprising Turn of Events, Men Go Too Far to Get Erection

And also: the politically correct way to do slavery, the things I wish my memory foam mattress would forget, and two crazy investment opportunities worth going bankrupt for

Oct 20, 2023

Hi there fellow sweaty meatbags and welcome to a sorta different edition of the chamber.

I'm going to be parting from the usual format where I ramble about a single issue because let's be honest — every week I always stumble upon at least 5 news stories we could collectively roll our eyes at. Overindulging on just one seems wasteful.

So here are five bites of questionable commentary instead. Hope you humour my whims and enjoy this experiment.

Spidey Senses

A New Erectile Dysfunction Treatment Comes From Spider Venom

Did humanity need stiffer erections more than, say, the cure for cancer? Probably not. But a Spider-Man reboot origin story with this kind of product placement might be exactly what the MCU needs to start making money again — so that's where our priorities are at.

Granted, this synthesized spider toxin still needs to pass more safety tests before it hits your local public toilet vending machine, but if we learned anything from the first round of human trials is that there is a happy ending to this one. And Venom is the hero.

So put on your stain-resistant superhero spandex suit and join the "swingers" club, if you know what I mean. Don't forget the condoms, because With Great Power® and all that.

Things I Wish My Memory Foam Mattress Would Forget

There’s a Global Resurgence of Bedbugs

Sure, you could say I've made some questionable choices in bed before, but you'll NEVER see me consent to play the cuckold in an unbridled orgy of blood-sucking arthropods.

Bedbugs might've conquered France already, but even the vegans would agree that some creatures of God deserved to be sprayed with whatever Monsanto product has the most skull symbols on its label while we pray they don't become pesticide-resistant.

And you might wonder, is there a reason for this "global resurgence"? Well, the bottom line is big cities and plane travel. Worked for COVID, figured it would work for other vermin too. Shoutout to the Wright brothers for enabling these hellish last 3 years in human history.

The Politically Correct Way to Do Slavery

Amazon, McDonald's and Other Western Companies Linked to Foreign Worker Exploitation

I don't wanna brag about my +4 years of experience getting paid in spits and insults, so don't ask — everything's explained in my LinkedIn bio — but I never thought that this subgenre of BDSM would ever become the standard in the job market of the Middle East.

Read: Amazon, McDonald's and some other of your favourite Western logos have been taking advantage of Nepali workers who haven't yet learned to power pose for better working conditions. Nothing we can do about it. Except maybe smuggling a bunch of copies of The 4-Hour Workweek to show them that the Good Life is possible as long as you can outsource your workload to a poorer country.

Meanwhile, NPC streamers are making how many fucking figures a day here? This is so sad. Alexa, play Despacito.

Double or Nothing (Most Likely Nothing)

You Can Bet on Anything Now

Flight delays, the impact of COVID variants, future gas prices, and even the next celebrity OnlyFans. Anything can turn into an amazing Gamblers Anonymous story if you put your mind to it, and all thanks to this thing called "novelty bets."

Because you'll lose your money to hyperinflation anyway, so might as well sink your ship on your own terms.

Seriously, whoever organizes these wagers should get together with Fortnite and bring betting to the younglings. Why wait for adulthood? I don't know if you've visited a Call of Duty lobby lately but kids these days are all out there fucking each other's mums. Fair enough, their short-term dopamine circuits won't ever understand the concept of the house edge, but what else do you want them to spend their allowance on? DRUGS?

Talking About Losing Money...

Some Brands Are Still Trying to Make NFTs Happen

I know. It's embarrassing. By 2023 you would expect everyone to have come out of their opium dreams and stopped minting JPEGs on the blockchain, let alone buying them. But seeing a multi-billion-dollar brand like Coca-Cola still putting out half-baked NFT products makes me think their CMO is drinking the soda with the cocaine put back in.

Whatever the next crazy opportunity investment is though, I hope it comes through my Google Alerts, because I'm sure Logan Paul is gonna get involved in that shit and I wanna be there myself before the rag pull.

But enough small talk. Let's throw the towel and call it a day, shall we?

Stay cocky,

Loudt