Shark Attacks Are Good for the Climate
Hi there, bighead.
If I learned anything from the movie Sharknado 5: Global Swarming (and I haven't) is that all your nature-related content should be coming from David Attenborough because low-budget summer blockbusters don't understand how sharks and climate change work together.
So, to balance things out, this selection of links will provide some much-needed good publicity for a creature that can do much more than biting an arm off once or twice a year.
1. Eco-friendly murder
The Far-Reaching Benefits of Tiger Sharks for Climate (7 min read)
As if cow burps weren't poking enough holes in the ozone layer, sea cows—namely, manatees and dugongs—are now joining this cow-led effort to leave the planet looking like dry elbow skin. What’s next? I hope we don’t discover a species of “air cow” that happens to love shitting napalm all over the Amazon rainforest because no amount of cheeseburger menus will help us combat that threat.
2. Cue Jaws Theme
Why We Need Sharks: The True Nature of the Ocean's 'Monstrous Villains' (6 min read)
Supporting Bush's war in Iraq. Signing up his prenup on a bar napkin. Making Indiana Jones 4. Sure, Steven Spielberg has made worse mistakes than portraying sharks as mindless, vicious murderers in Jaws—but this is one of those "trying to eat cake with a straw" situations: it's not the worst, but it ain't helping either. Hell, dolphins have actually raped people and they still got Flipper. Hollywood is so rigged.
3. Jab, Jab, Jab, Backstroke
Shark Attacks: After Recent Bites, Your Questions Answered (6 min read)
If you are the unlucky "one in 11.5 million" poor fish who's forced into a face-to-face against a shark, here are some tips to come out on top: hit it in the nose; go for its eyes and gill openings. Trash talk won't impair the shark's morale, but dirty fighting is encouraged. Call his mother names. I could give you more tips, but we both know that the ultimate winning strategy is getting a ground-based hobby.
4. Fishing up a cure
Scientists Map Great White Shark Genome, Revealing Clues About Cancer and Healing Wounds (2 min read)
This one may sound a little off-topic, but climate deniers might still not see the point in keeping sharks alive if it's only gonna help with the "global warming hoax." Well, here's something for you lot: the great white shark genome might help us cure cancer. That means we may learn how to get rid of the brain tumours causing some of you to have such dumb opinions.
5. Non-renewable soup
What If There Were No Sharks? (5 min watch time)
In the time it'll take you to watch this video, some 600 sharks will be killed to make "shark fin soup." I know the couple rant reviews I've left on Yelp don't qualify me as a "food critic," but bringing an entire species to the verge of extinction just to make a fancy entrée? That sounds wasteful as fuck. If we're gonna decimate a creature, at least make a main course out of it.
That'll be all for today.
Keep separating plastic bottles and never flying private, okay? Do it for the sharks. And just in case you were wondering: any amount of toilet paper you use is too much toilet paper. The only eco-friendly choice is to wipe barehand.
Stay cocky,
Loudt