The Robot Uprising Is Coming in 2030
Hi there, bighead.
Not to say "I told you so," but I knew all those years of forcing AI to get brutally murdered by 8-year-olds in Call of Duty would come to bite us in the ass someday.
Well, clutch to your stimulus checks because robots are coming to exterminate us all—from our job positions. Luckily, this selection of stories has all the main plot points of any good dystopian-themed movie, right up until the moment where we somehow make it in the end.
1. The Contract Terminator
How Will Automation Impact Jobs? (2 min read)
In ten years—provided a lethal COVID variant is not spawned by a pangolin humping a Red Bull can—we'll live to see artificial intelligence taking over half of all jobs. If you lack a cleavage thirsty enough to make a thriving OnlyFans account, you better find alternative ways of future-proofing yourself; AI is here to add $15 trillion to the economy and not even CAPTCHA tests will stand in the way.
2. For Robots, by Robots
This algorithm has predicted how likely is your job to be taken by robots—and if your job can be performed on the basis of having two opposable thumbs and one extra digit on your IQ score, let me tell you that it is very likely. Do a bit of searching, have some fun. I was actually surprised I couldn't find anything on show business; Kristen Stewart's acting face looks pretty automatable to me.
3. Dystopian Voyeur Society
Robots Were Supposed to Take Our Jobs. Instead, They’re Making Them Worse (13 min read)
Only a handful of life scenarios would have me peeing into a bottle. "Preserving my Amazon job" is, however, not one of them. But that is the AI-surveyed reality that Jeff Bezos had forced upon his staff, presumably whilst launching himself to the edge of space in a giant, metal dildo. And don't even get me started on female workers, because something tells me there aren't enough LifeHack articles to help them remain unsoiled after a speedy bathroom break.
4. Being Useless Finally Pays Off
The Rise of the Useless Class (7 min read)
What happens with every idle soul who fails to make themselves economically useful in a world where hiring machines is cheaper than straight-up slavery? Well, either we reinstitute natural selection and do away with the unfit, or we start paying people for converting oxygen into carbon dioxide. The hunter-gatherer inside me kinda wants to have a go at the former.
5. There's no AI in 'Team'
Will a Robot Take My Job? | the Age of A.I. (Documentary) (36 min watch time)
This short documentary illustrates the shared fate we've had with machines since the first Homo Erectus to fix up a pointy stick for fishing: to thrive together. Like one of those awkward-but-ultimately-iconic duos. Think Chewie and Han, Doc and Marty, Kirk and Spock... Hell, even Batman and Robin if you count the movie with George Clooney, the crotch shots, and the cancelled sequel.
That'll be all for today.
Go relish your last pantless Zoom calls and water cooler breaks, for in mere decades they might become primitive relics of the past. Kinda like throwing gladiators to the lions, albeit far, far less exciting for a museum exhibit.
Stay cocky,
Loudt
Pretty sure this was written by AI
Love this 👍