Tiktok's Latest Wellness Craze Sends People on a Teeth-Clenching Ride of Untamed Diarrhea
A cautionary tale on taking medical advice from someone who graduated from Chipotle's drive-thru
Being the platform that brought you the Public Toilet Licking challenge, you wouldn't be surprised to learn that TikTok's Wellness Corner features more health code violations than a Turkish food stand in a war zone.
Some are survivable, like dry-scooping pre-workout, or taping your mouth before going to bed (I'd try this one if it didn't make it so hard to yell out my safeword, actually). Some others are, if anything, memorable. Who could ever forget 2019's hottest yoga pose, perineum sunning. I'd teach you in which direction you need to point your asshole to achieve this forbidden angle, but the supposed "health benefits" of spreading your buttcheeks to the Gods on a clear sky turned out to be just melanoma.
So consider this a public service announcement on the cons and cons of swiping through FYP medical advice without a survival reflex, because goddamn, for some of you people it takes a single endorsement from a verified creator to start volunteering for shit not even the 10th dentist would recommend doing.
Take for example the latest wellness craze: drinking raw milk. Now, we may not have an international standard to measure units of Charlatanry in the metric system yet, but let me tell you why drinking raw milk is going about four and a half Gwyneth Paltrows too far.
For starters, raw milk is one of the few foods with the power to turn into a chemical weapon simply by being left at room temperature for a couple of hours. Wait a bit longer, and you might as well dip your cereals in Raid wasp killer. I thought this was common knowledge.
But most importantly, we all know what happens when internet fauna decides to ride the tinfoil dildo of anti-science conspiracy hype trains; they start organizing, congregating and coming up with logo design ideas. So let's stop these cow juice guzzlers before they team up with the flat-earthers and evolve into an Avengers-level threat we might not have enough firepower to deal with.
"But people were drinking raw milk before Pasteur came along," I hear you say. Fair enough. They were also drinking mercury, sweetening their wine with lead, and brushing their teeth with radioactive toothpaste. By today's standards, the WHO wouldn't even let you die on that lifestyle without an upfront payment for the nuclear waste disposal protocols they’re gonna need to safely rid of your body.
So learn the lesson: you never go vintage on science.
Raw milk? Not a superfood. It’s just another thoughtless frenzy promoted by people whose credentials would fit in the bumper sticker of a Chevvy suburban.
I'll give them this though: "pasteurization" does sound like it's some kind of proprietary voodoo ritual that Monsanto uses to turn milk into a low-nutrient, ultra-processed beverage that shrinks our penises and gives our kids autism — but that's just an unfortunate branding mistake. Pasteurization is just a way to heat liquids to kill off harmful bacteria. If you really wanna fear technological advancements, we have an expansive catalogue these days. From digital surveillance and nanobots to deepfakes and whatever is Mark Zuckerberg cooking on his volcano lair to recover from the tanking of the Metaverse.
But enough small talk. Not trying to undermine Chinese virology labs here, but I'm confident that the next Covid-level extinction event is going to leak from one of these blue-tick influencers, so if you'll excuse me… I'll be downstairs doing some decor on my nuclear bunker.
Stay cocky,
Loudt.
I must agree about health advice on TikTok or any other "content creator hell hole" media. But there is a but.
I don't think raw milk is bad for you. Milk should be consumed as soon as possible or made into other dairy products.
Pasteurization is just another way for milk to stay as long on the shelves as possible.
It's good for business but how much nutritional value is in pasteurised milk? I don't think there is much.