Being in Prison Can Make You a Millionaire

Feb 21, 2022

Hi there, bighead.

I know the feeling. You've exhausted every job opening on the right side of the law, and none of Gary Vee's side hustle ideas is turning the profit he said they would. What do you do? I'll tell you: get into the prison business.

If these stories below don't convince you of throwing your integrity in the trash and give it a go, nothing will. I tell you: there's never been a sleazier way of making your American Dream come true since writing Philip Morris ads for pregnant women in the 70s.

1. When cash bails on you

How The For-Profit Prison Industry Keeps 460,000 Innocent People in Jail Every Day (4 min read)

Whenever I think of the person to come up with the idea for a bail bond company, I wonder if they got an allowance for using the potty and that's why now they try to squeeze a profit margin out of all things shitty. Well, if you can't afford to bail out of jail, don't borrow money from these assclowns—your best bet is getting a rock hammer and a Rita Hayworth poster and hope everything works out just like in The Shawshank Redemption.

2. Kitchen Nightmares

How Corporations Buy—and Sell—Food Made With Prison Labor (10 min read)

"Ingredient 100% made with cheap prison labour" is not the kind of tag that would sell Kellogg's Fruit Loops to kids I reckon, but that's probably where most of your groceries are coming from anyway. I'm not saying you should stop paying a premium for your Whole Foods tilapia fillet just because the inmate that packaged it for you is making $4.50 a day—but at least you now know who to say grace to before you eat it.

3. Highway to Hell

Inside the Deadly World of Private Prisoner Transport (15 min read)

With only a brief handcuff tutorial and some pepper spray in your glove box, you can turn your Uber side-hustle into a profitable prisoner transport business. I'm not kidding when I say that's all it takes. But beware though; once you get a dose of all the shit that goes on in the back of one of these vans, you're gonna have to use whatever extra cash you make to finance a sizeable Diazepam prescription.

4. Poor's signal

He's Taking on the For-Profit Prison Telecommunications Industry (3 min read)

If my phone carrier ever charges me $25 for a 15-minute call, I better have Willy freaking Wonka on the line to tell me I'm the lucky winner of a 15% cut on all chocolate bars sales. And yet, exorbitant as it is, that's the rate for a standard prison phone call. I wonder why Zuckerberg has not tried to get some market penetration yet. Imagine the size of the commission for all the soap bar ad impressions.

5. The Wrong Arm of the Law

Civil Forfeiture: Last Week Tonight with John Oliver (HBO) (16 min watch time)

For those of you who still burglarize outside of the limits of the law, why risk it? Join the police force instead and legally steal whatever property you fancy from anyone—guilty or otherwise. It's like The Price is Right, except you get a prize every time you guess "this asset could've been involved in a crime." Officers say they need it cause they're "short on funds," but c'mon, at least try setting up a Patreon account like everybody else.

That'll be all for today.

If this ain't the peak of the hustle culture, I don't know what is. I suppose you could up the ante by selling printer cartridges to inmates, but you've already earned your place in Hell. There's no need to push it further.

Stay cocky,

Loudt