How to Turn Your Mental Illness Into a Lucrative Job

And also: easy recipes with questionable ingredients, exactly what chemicals to blame when you underperform in bed, the disadvantages of being dead, and how unpopular does Hitler need to get?

Nov 24, 2023

How to Monetize Your Insanity

Pet Psychics Are Making Their Way From the Fringe to Socially Acceptable

Some healing crystal lickers out there have been expanding their hustle beyond the horoscope section of their local newspaper, and let me tell you — you've never seen anyone make as much money pretending to talk to animals since Eddie Murphy played Dr. Dolittle.

How did this happen? It used to be the case that publicly admitting to having telepathic powers would put you more out of place than a dildo at a Christmas dinner table. Now you get to make $550 a session?

I don't know how these people achieved superlative social status in a few short years, but it makes me think about whether vision boards might work after all.

Easy Recipes With Questionable Ingredients

Why Are Companies Racing to Build the World’s Biggest Bug Farm?

If your guess had anything to do with the Trenbolone fitness industry running out of protein to scoop in their pre-workout powders, you're only halfway there.

Companies want to make cheap protein out of bugs and other vermin, but only to feed fish, livestock and pets more sustainably.

Or so they say, but you know how it goes. They've invested over a billion dollars into this industry, so don't be surprised if, in the next 5 years, you see a suspicious uptick of influencers adding grasshopper thigh to the aftertaste of their hydration drink brands.

If you are finicky with food, don't worry. It's still vegan if the animal you killed was ugly.

Exactly What Chemicals to Blame When You Underperform in Bed

Global Decline in Sperm Concentrations Linked to Common Pesticides

I've been pulling chairs and opening doors long enough to know I can contribute more to a relationship than a wishy-washy ejaculation with the density of coconut water. However, my refined active listening skills are telling me there is something suspicious about this.

As if these emasculating pesticides look a lot like they were deployed by Nestlé or some other multinational conglomerate, aimed to reduce the overall quality of jizz before they start selling their own bottled knockoff to empowered independent females.

Which makes you wonder, are we men the pest here?

The Disadvantages of Being Dead

Startups Are Selling Grief Tech, Ghostbots, and the End of Mourning as We Know It

I'm bored of "ChatGPT has revolutionized X industry" headlines as much as the next Captcha-abled human, but let's be fair. This industry has been technologically stagnant since the invention of the Ouija. It wasn't that hard.

Now, instead of hiring a medium to look into a crystal ball and tell you that your deceased loved one is great friends with Jesus up in heaven, you can train a chatbot to impersonate them directly.

A personal note to my family members reading this: please don't try to bot me. You can't train AI to mimic my sense of humour without violating a few Terms of Service, so I think it’ll be for the best to let me feed the worms in peace.

How Unpopular Does Hitler Need to Get?

Hitler Beetle, Trump Moth, Beyoncé Fly: Is It Time to Rethink Naming of Species?

While I envy the multiverse iteration of myself that never found out there is such a thing as a "Trump moth," it'd be a shame if it gets rebranded though. I mean the bastard looks like it combs its hair with the exact same brand of no-goop grooming spray Donald uses, and by Internet law, that's Fair Use.

But not all names given to lesser life forms are as innocuously funny. "Hitler beetle" is the kind of name that should only be used for a throwaway Reddit account; a safe word at a sex dungeon tops. But some entomologist in the 30s decided to baptize the poor bastard after the toothbrush-moustached dictator, so now, 86 years later, Nazi merch collectors are driving it to extinction.

Should we give species less controversial names? Probably. But good luck finding any celebrity who is tweeting things right now that won't be cancellable in 10 years.

But enough small talk. Close this tab before the cookie trackers get you, alright?

Stay cocky,

Loudt