Pictures You Should Not Masturbate To
How paedophilia is slowly (but steadily) going mainstream.
Got 8 dollars, a clean conscience, and a perverse desire to burn them both on a single credit card swipe?
Go purchase a subscription to someone like Diana Deets then, and you'll get to see her 16-year-old face (that's a "1" and a "6") performing all the R-rated, toy-assisted, lingerie-coated, graphic adult content you would expect from a thriving OnlyFans account.
10,000 paying subscribers can't be wrong!
Diana — or CoconutKitty, as she is known online and in the nightmares that will come haunt you from this day forward — is past the peak of girlhood herself. She's around her 30s, but with the help of some clever image editing and Olympic-level pirouetting over the ethical balance beam, she can make herself look like she still belongs to Teen Vogue's reader demographic.
And ever since she started photoshopping her face lassie and doing this depraved "juvenile engaged in siliconed self-gratification" bit on camera, she's exploded in popularity.
Almost like the +2 million new followers she gained were part of a huge, untapped market.
Now, if you'd asked me, I'd say there was a pretty good reason why this market had been thoroughly secluded to the dark web and Jeffrey Epstein's private island, but never mind. Hustler's gonna hustle and it was a matter of time before they started finding workarounds.
Diana's business model is, somehow, not the worst in stock out there. There are actual parents pimping their kids out on Instagram, posting eye-candy pictures of their preteen daughters and upselling the most inquisitive eyeballs to paid Patreon memberships.
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Now that has to be the worst read on the creator economy I've ever seen.
I want to think these paedo-baiting scumbags first tried to monetize crappy comics or poems before realising their last decent creation happened 14 years ago and her name is Daisy. Way to teach your kid the concept of the one thousand true fans.
Suffice to say, I didn't pay for any of these subscriptions. Burning my research budget on lewd pictures of teenage girls has been on my to-don't list since I became a grown-up. But everything points to the fact that they can (and do) offer that sort of content with impunity. I've been hearing stories about Patreon blind-eyeing softcore child porn accounts, even having policies to protect "Minor-Attracted Person" content.
Oh yeah, they are not "paedophiles" anymore. Now they are minor-attracted persons. MAPs for short. We gave paedos a PC term.
What could go wrong?
You may think the term "minor-attracted person" is just an innocent gesture of political correctness — after all, not all paedos are patrolling school zones or asking Siri for directions to Chris Hansen's decoy house. Maybe non-offending fans of the playground deserve a term that doesn't immediately tackle the mind’s eye with a spine-chilling image of R. Kelly waving popsicles to toddlers from the back of a glass-tinted van.
But listen.
I'm the kind of web surfer that allows optional cookies. I've seen my share of hyper-targeted ads, and if I've learned anything from marketing campaigns — apart from the fact that no amount of slo-mo can make Kendal Jenner solve racism with a can of Pepsi — is that you can change people's perception of a thing by changing the lexicon around it.
Without changing the thing at all.
Take Vegas. Back in the 90s, they spent millions of dollars rebranding the "gambling industry" into the "gaming industry." Same slot machines, same dice, same casino advantage. But take two letters out and now you could even take your kid to play with that cute little ball that takes daddy's alimony away because it landed on the green zero.
Where's that fake Elvis? Let's go take a picture!
When it’s free, you get medical assistance. When you’re American, you pay for medical services. Liquor is the cooking wine that street corner winos hide in a paper bag; spirits are the beverages you toast with in celebration. Sodas got rechristened as "low-calorie beverages" so that you didn't have to think about impending Type 2 diabetes when overindulging.
Aldous Huxley made an example of war in his essay Words and Behaviour:
A dangerously abstract word, which figures in all discussions about war, is ‘force.’ [...] ‘You cannot,’ they say, ‘have international justice unless you are prepared to impose it by force.’ [...] Translated, this becomes: “You cannot have international justice unless you are prepared to drop thermite, high explosives and vesicants upon the inhabitants of foreign cities and to have thermite, high explosives and vesicants dropped in return upon the inhabitants of your cities.
So words can reframe, distort, obscure, disguise, and reverse our interpretation of reality. Is it working for paedos at all, though?
Well, I'm no Ogilvy but getting their own flag is not a gesture that screams “I’m trying to sort this thing out of my system” to me.
They’ve also got their own charity, Prostasia. It presents itself as a “children’s rights” organization, but judging by its rhetoric you’d infer they’re fighting for their right to fuck them:
In Prostasia’s blog entries, “child protection” routinely ends up in the same sentences as “free speech,” “kink,” or “sex positivity.” The topics of age play, furries, hentai, and prostitution are spoken about no differently as, and often with no barrier between, child sexuality and child sexual abuse. (Anna Slatz, Fourth Wave)
These people are trying to lift bans on child pornography and childlike sex dolls — and I assume they ain’t waiting for the doll to grow up to the age of consent. Guy Hamilton-Smith, a lawyer who wrote several entries for the blog, claims school-zone bans and the sex offender registry are “ineffective and unnecessary.” Well, I don’t know about school-zone bans, but the registry has an entry for Hamilton-Smith himself, for possession of child sexual exploitation material.
I’d say that counts as “effective and necessary.”
Paedos are no longer hiding in basements or invitation-only forums. They are organized. They’re adopting the vocabulary of the “oppressed minority,” referring to paedophilia as a “sexual orientation,” getting used to the expression “coming out as MAP,” and acting like they own the plus sign in LGBTQ+.
The question is, how much farther do we want them to go? Because I don’t think we’re that far from conceding a holiday month and a web browser that doesn’t call the FBI every time they go on incognito mode. Call me an alarmist, but given the number of performative activists trying to out-woke each other out there, I’d say we are an independently-organized “MAP Pride” parade from having Netflix greenlight a prequel to Cuties.
Jokes aside — I'm making an effort here — I'm not trying to take a dump on paedophiles.
They have more important things to worry about than sardonic exposés — like the fact, for example, that paedophilia is a cripplingly under-studied disorder. Barely any scientist wants to explore this particular frontier of science, and paedos aren’t exactly lining up volunteering for randomized experiments, openly admitting to their condition. The vicious cycle makes it so that there are virtually no therapy programs, no remedies or clinics, no widely-available 12 Steps programs to get toddlers out of their minds. I can understand scientists may not want to work with paedophiles on “take your daughter to work” day, but still — how are they supposed to come up with effective treatments?
Either way, it’s their problem. And by that I mean, it’s scientists’ and psychologists’ problem to solve. It should not be about the political whims of companies trying to monetize their kinks, or about a bunch of armchair activists looking for a new hashtag to base their personalities on. And it should definitely not be up to them to decide which words we get to use, especially not the kind of politically-correct vocabulary that distorts reality.
Not to sound George Carlin-esque but an “unwilling sperm recipient” is still a rape victim.
So let’s call things by their name, and for the love of god, don’t ever look for pictures you should not masturbate to.
"A *prequel* to Cuties" goddamn sneaky joke I love it 😂
I "liked" this because I'm glad you wrote it. But I'm also a mom so....nightmares.