Mother Nature Wants You to Be a Conspiracy Theorist
Hi there, bighead.
If there was a ranking for the worst designs ever botched up by natural selection, "shark fetus teeth" and "platypus body parts" would be fairly high—but not higher up than today's topic: conspiracy believers.
I'm not saying Alex Jones has not single-handedly fathered some of them, but evolution's had enough of a role in their creation to justify a David Attenborough voiceover of how it happened. Ladies, gentlemen, lizard people; prepare your attention to be abducted by these stories—they may not have all the answers, but they sure as hell count as "doing your own research."
1. Looking Under the Tinfoil Hat
A Theory About Conspiracy Theories (6 min read | Potential paywall)
There is nothing like watching a flat-earther doing DIY science to make you feel like a gene-pool lottery winner—but don't let those "Gravity is a Hoax" t-shirts fool you; their beliefs are powered by the same psychological traits as yours are. It's just that these quirky traits sometimes coalesce into an anti-vax, holocaust-denier that seasons his steak with Ivermectin. It could've happened to you too.
2. Bullshit Therapy
We Can't Ignore the Role Mental Health Plays in Conspiracy Theory Beliefs (4 min read)
If you thought the only thing spreading misinformation was Illuminati's Facebook ads budget and the general population not being able to tell a fake story from a sticky fart, think again. Some people buy into bullshit to get the sense of soothing therapy they should otherwise be getting from a Fluoxetine prescription. Would a calf say no to a nipple?
3. Do You Have a Minute for Your Lord and Saviour Cthulhu?
There’s a Psychological Link Between Conspiracy Theories And creationism (4 min read)
I don't know what's the conversion rate for Jehovah's Witnesses' cold-call preaching, but the same brain wire that makes people believe in Jesus can otherwise make lizard people quite convincing. There are only so many potential worshippers out there, so they better hasten the knock-knock hustle before Scientology recruits them first.
4. Do Your Wrong Research
Facebook Groups Are Destroying America (4 min read)
It was about time conspiracy believers followed the steps of incels and furries and got their own dark corner of the internet to call "home." This place happens to be under Zuckerberg's Terms and Conditions, where no one but Facebook's aggressive data mining can disturb them. The problem starts when they come out of the lair and their vote counts the same as ours.
5. Supernatural Selection
Why Do So Many People Believe in Conspiracy Theories? (6 min watch time)
Not everyone believes in conspiracies because they once pushed the q-tip an inch too deep when they were eight. Sometimes, a "free thinker" spawns from the simple human drive to detect patterns around us so we feel we know what's going on. One day you innocently google "aliens built the pyramids" and the next Giorgio Tsoukalos' camera crew is following you and the brightest minds of Alienstock Festival on your way to storm Area 52. Don't forget to pack your lime green mankini.
That'll be all for today.
Never forget that YouTube research and retweet journalism still don't count as "forming an opinion on things." And if you ever let nonsense theories get the better of you, well—I'll see you at the Cthulhu worshippers convention.
Stay cocky,
Loudt