Mexican Alien Fossils Are Only 70% Fake

I reckon this merits another pilgrimage to Area 51

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I'm a little tardy to the party on this one but, in my defence, those alien fossils making it all the way to the Mexican Congress was something I didn't have on my bingo card.

So I decided to take a look at them, and oh my. They haven't even tried with these ones:

Cow turd looks less like bullshit.

There was of course an authentication report with all the pageantry and tradition of formal fact-checking, but c'mon — you know it came out negative. Of course it did.

Just look at them ET-looking crackhead voodoo dolls

Hoaxers love to cheap out on the props department but I think I've seen TikTok sketches look higher budget than this. They also had the gall to say 30% of the DNA was “unknown,” as if not realising that it’s the same as saying 70% of it is perfectly mundane earthly biomatter. The rest gotta be two-part epoxy.

What's even more ridiculous: this is not the first time they were given a 15-minute-of-fame tour around the Internet.

Back in 2017, an "archaeologist" named Thierry Jamin managed a $42,000 crowdfunding campaign to "study them" — all in quotation marks because if you looked into this guy's credentials you'd have trouble finding the Chipotle drive-thru handicapped stall he graduated from, but anyway. Donors got fooled, pre-Columbian human remains got desecrated, and the biggest loser turned out to be science. Shoutout to Kickstarter.

The main finding of this campaign was quite enlightening though

This dumb-funded, 5-figure waste of time proved that there is indeed a sizeable demographic of affluent dupes out there willing to part with their money for even the shakiest, most questionable evidence of cow-napping flying disc pilot corpse. And sad as it sounds, making one of these "alien fossil" marketing stunts once in a while can really sustain bumper sticker sales for years to come.

But aren't they allowed to dream? Of course — excuse me, ever the cynical, fantasy-impaired dullard; have away at your figments — I'm only saying that, thanks to Zuckerberg's Facebook groups, these people are organized. They have flags and logos. A weirdly-shaped potato might stimulate my imagination, yes, but I wouldn't succumb to herd mentality and raid my retirement savings account in symphony with other internet schizos so we can get it DNA-tested.

They would.

But I don't wanna take the spotlight from the true agents of chaos here

The clout-chasing, fact-phobic, big-time-wannabe, self-proclaimed "UFO experts" behind all this tabloid-level drama about aliens.

People like Jaime Maussan, the pantomime journalist who brought the alien dolls to the Mexican Congress, and who's been caught on multiple occasions trying to pass indigenous Peruvian fossils as extraterrestrials before. After two flukes he should've put himself in a corner cubicle of the newsroom to write obituaries or something, but no. He got too addicted to being treated like this eminent Chosen One of alien mysteries.

And until fans start asking him to autograph their tinfoil hats on the street, I doubt he's going to stop.

The moral?

Apart from "You'd think 'UFO expertise' is about as employable as trombone playing skills in a library, but these 'experts' are selling documentaries to History Channel," the moral is that there's no turning back to sanity for them. Some people simply want to live in a world where some thonged Mayan on a bad peyote trip knew more about the stars than the James-Webb telescope ever will.

Now, in my opinion, the only reason they believe that is because Flat-Earth Society didn't recruit them first, but I'm not going to force common sense here. Their medicine cabinets are too full of Alex Jones' supplements to contemplate a lifestyle change. Try to bring one back and they could ricochet all the way back to Holocaust denial — it's not worth the risk.

My biggest fear is this

That these "alien remnants" always have the same small-bodied, big-headed, Hollywood-esque build, which tells me none of them has ever bothered the possibility of extraterrestrials looking like, I dunno, a squid, or a spider, or a goddamned fire hydrant.

Some day — I tell you — one of them is going to actually cross paths with a member of a hyper-advanced extraterrestrial race, but it's going to look more like a goat, so instead of initiating diplomatic contact, these blockheads are gonna try to fuck it. No wonder aliens never visit.