Food Is Going Obsolete
I firmly believe we would've never gone six seasons deep into a show called Kitchen Nightmares without a collective disdain for how food is generally conducted. I mean, read the room: everyone's either going keto, catching a nut allergy, or surviving off crude cookie dough to combat inflation.
So the bad news is that nourishment as we know it could really go the way of the flip phone. The good news? Who knows, maybe Gordon Ramsay finally likes the bloody main course on the first try. One can only dream.
1. I Can't Believe It's Not Beefsteak!®
Prepare Yourself for an Avalanche of Fake Meat
(8 min read)
Forget texture, carbon neutrality, or aftertaste. What I want fake meat to accomplish is to once and for all stop people from making veganism their entire personality. Throw a couple of certified food labels and a Superbowl commercial to it, and let us enjoy its widespread approval as Twitter rages shift over to deciding who gets the armrest when flying coach. I just hope my fake hamburger doesn't get mixed up with rat limbs, monkey embryos, or any of the other crap they grow on labs.
2. Off the Menu
The Extinction Crisis That No One’s Talking About
(13 min read)
I never thought I'd have to say this, but that's enough of cute panda bear videos. The real calamity here is the off chance of coffee going down like the dodo—you go a day without your morning cup and tell me if you still don’t understand how most Pompeiians slept through a volcanic eruption. At least panda bears are not primal to clock in at your 9-to-5 on time. But if you really wanna save them, maybe put the cameras down for the 15-20 minutes needed for a proper shag, and you'll see how they get down to business.
3. Chicken Impression
KFC Is Working With a Russian 3D Bioprinting Firm to Try to Make Lab-Produced Chicken Nuggets
(2 min read)
Brief news: Colonel Sanders teams up with the Soviets to 3D-print a poultry army as part of an operation I can only describe as "A Westworld kinda shit but with chickens." I've read about dolphins being trained to disarm mines, so understand my concern over the prospect of chickens being capable of setting them up. Let's preemptively turn on the Google Alerts for the keywords "chicken," "invasion," and "not the harmless marketing stunt we initially thought it was." Just in case we have to evacuate.
4. To the Bitter's End
Are We Eating Ourselves to Extinction?
(10 min read)
For decades, the food industry's sole obsession has been to breed every crop to grow fast, look pretty, and make your Big Mac taste the same shade of sugary junk in all 24 major time zones—and Diabetes Type 2 was not the only unexpected collateral of that decision. Now, our food faces the same interbreeding problem as an 18th-century royal family, and it looks just like the face of Charles II of Spain. Google him; it's not pretty.
5. Miracle Diet
Lab-Grown Meat Is Supposed to Be Inevitable. The Science Tells a Different Story
(29 min read)
Despite this being a long read, there's nothing in there that couldn't be implied through a 5-minute TED Talk of Elizabeth Holmes wearing a turtleneck whilst chewing on a chicken wing: there's enough bullshit and wishful thinking in the science of lab-grown meat to CGI an entire Marvel superhero movie. You know, not everything in life can be worked out by power-posing deeply into your vision board, and some of these Silicon Valley tech bros are due to learn the lesson.
That'll be all for today.
I'd recommend you eat your veggies, but given the overall prognostics for hard having lunch is gonna be in the future, you better start learning how to get your macros through photosynthesis.
Stay cocky,
Loudt