Doing Steroids Can Get You Employed
Employ how, exactly? Asking for a friend.
In the same way a small dick could get you a gig as a marble statue model back in ancient Greece, I imagine. Every epoch has its kinks. This one? We might as well call it "the Hypertrophycene," cause if you wanna be a thriving male in the modern economy without ever polishing up a decent LinkedIn profile, you better have the genetics for a croissant-shaped upper body and the discipline to never skip leg day.
Tell me more.
Of course, we're just talking about the kind of industries that would profit from the new and improved Kumail Nanjiani. Actors, models, wrestlers... any chad who wants a living wage by virtue of being corporeal is on a race of squats and burpees to meet an ever-hardening beauty standard. Suddenly, anabolic steroids start to look like an essential food group for these people. Wanna be a superhero, kid? Well, you gotta be willing to take the “supersoldier serum.” Don't worry, we'll call it “method acting” later on the press tour.
Hard to argue with this: even action figures have gotten beefer over the years. Don’t be surprised if your 3-year-old asks for a chest press machine next Christmas.
Why haven't I heard of any stars getting on the juice?
Because these movie studios and talent agencies keep it to themselves, of course. To be fair, I can't imagine Disney opening up about it and then selling "juice like a hero" kits back at the gift shop, but letting the mouse save face comes with its own set of problems. For starters, we have to pretend all these "body transformation" stories aren't faker than Bradley Cooper's racoon face in Guardians of the Galaxy. There are only so many pounds of muscle you can get in 8 weeks by eating chicken breast that's not marinated on Winstrol. Kids; magic exists—it's just that sometimes we adults call it "synthesized testosterone."
Even if they're stacking pumpers for real, aren’t they putting their health at risk?
Look, that shirtless scene is gonna be on celluloid for a long time. What's 2 months of gym candy in comparison? Besides, it's not like A-list celebrities are shotgunning based on the latest bro-science. Their bodies are multi-million dollar assets and are treated as such (I bet some of them are contractually forbidden to run while holding a pair of scissors). The problem comes when teenagers start buying steroids to keep up with the unattainable physiques they see on social media.
Hard to argue with this: there is not a shortage of Instagram assclowns that get famous on their juiced physiques and then try to sell workout programs to profit from it. Let’s be clear; there’s only one program that works and it’s called Photoshop. Don’t get scammed.
But surely steroids aren't that easy to get?
Forget dark alleys and "I-know-a-friends." If some 19-year-old is determined to get Captain America pecs, he can take his mum's credit card and purchase some Arnolds on Amazon—yeah, bloody Amazon is the true gangster's paradise now. You can give your drug dealer a 2-star review for not warning you that any nipple can start milking if you overdo anabolic steroids long enough.
Do we know anything about long-term health effects?
Looking at Schwarzenegger's career, I’d say there’s some correlation with action movie roles and California ballots. Shrunken testicles and erectile dysfunction are a thing though, so who knows; bodybuilders' final form could end up being a sculptured physique that’s blunted by the crotch like a Ken doll. But little else is known. I don’t think synthetic hormones are likely to replace the apple as the daily serving keeping the doctor away, so save the needle for vaccines.
We could do with some transparency about this.
We could. Especially because not everything about steroids is bad news. They can help burnt victims get some muscle mass back. They can help with AIDS and certain cancers. But having bodybuilders, models, actors and other kinds of mainstream personalities pumping PEDs and then thanking their "genetics" is doing a number on men's mental health. Maybe Marvel movies should include a “performance-enhancing drug disclaimer” at the beginning, kinda like the Jackass reminder, which I’m sure it’s the only thing that’s kept me away from sticking a rattlesnake up my ass.
So, technically...
Doing steroids can get you employed. And in some industries, where you are required to bulk up on a deadline, it could be required to get you employed. This ain’t a sign of “the moral decay of a society obsessed with looks” or some shit Deepak Chopra would retweet. It’s simply a response to cultural demands that, if done responsibly, could really help performers get in shape within the strict time frames they’re given. Listen, you guys are the ones asking for so many superhero spin-offs on mainstream TV. They had to find a way to meet demand somehow.