Experimental Meds to Spice Things Up in the Bedroom

The birth control pill for men is almost here — and it could be a huge loss for women

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Hi there my fellow foot fetishists and welcome back to the torture chamber.

I hope this issue doesn't find you swiping Tinder for a fellatio teammate for the week, but just in case, spoiler alert: oral sex is now the leading risk factor for throat cancer.

We can't have good things, can't we. Adderall stopped hitting as well as it used to, and now deepthroating somehow managed to out-cancer cigarettes.

Does that mean gas station bathroom stalls are going back to being smoking zones now that the true menace will be peeking out the glory hole? Anyway. Talking about things people put in their mouths — poop.

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It might not be your kinda kink right now, but wait until you get a gut infection; human fecal matter recently hit the market in pill form, and it can apparently help you with that. No, the FDA doesn't think it's weird. I would only suggest you take a Mentos afterward.

But enough small talk. Today's main story does concern sex and pills, but not just about any kind. I'm talking about safe sex and THE pill. The one pill girls take to prevent fallopian tubes from cooking up a spinoff of their genotype? That one.

Well. For the first time in history, we guys might be getting one for ourselves. How about that?

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It's finally happening boys.

A birth control pill for men, the biggest scientific breakthrough in male contraceptive methods since the invention of the fedora is on its pre-launch hype right now.

If you haven't got the hang of coitus interruptus yet, worry not. In a few years, you'll be able to pop one of these sex mints and get down to raw dogging without knowing any Latin.

Girls are bitter about it.

For one because this pill is going to be nothing like the nauseating mood-swing roulette that is prescribed to them. This jizz-neutering tic tac is going to be 100% non-hormonal, reversible, and side-effect-free.

Which does sound a bit unfair.

I would like a way out of the sensory-deprivating bother of double-bagging as much as the next man, but women have been the ones to historically stop pregnancies by drinking shots of mercury and shoving lemon slices and crocodile feces up their nethers. It really feels like they had earned the right to call dibs on this one.

But boys are getting it first — because science.

The key to this contraceptive discovery is a thing called Arrdc5. No, it's not Elon Musk's latest newborn. It's a protein-coding gene that tells sperm what shape they're supposed to spawn in.

When scientists disabled this gene in mice, their little soldiers started to come out with squashed heads, crooked tails, and a variety of other deformities that would've turned the sperm race into an episode of Chernobyl's Got Talent, basically. No golden buzzers given.

This apparently works for pigs and cattle too. As long as they're male, of course (not to throw salt on the wound here but yes; even the male Indian bison is gonna get a better contraceptive way to focus on his career as the Red Bull logo before women get one for them).

It's a huge, untapped market after all.

Vaginas have a plethora of options already: patches, shots, rings, implants, IUDs, diaphragms, cervical caps, spermicides, sponges — a girl could turn her uterus into the set for a Saw movie starring her boyfriend's man juice if she wanted.

But when it comes to penises? Well, let's just say its shape must not be much of a muse because ever since the invention of the vasectomy, birth control engineers haven't had a single eureka moment that wasn't a condom flavor.

Don't get me wrong, I've heard many great things about Extra-Thin Wild Strawberry, but something about it just screams "creative impotence" to me.

Men have always been fussy about the side effects anyway.

To give some credit to Gregory Pincus, the co-inventor of the female pill, he really did try to make one for the boys.

As soon as 1957 he was experimenting with hormonal pills, but men were in the habit of thinking that if someone fiddled with their testosterone levels, they would spontaneously grow a taste for chastity belts, cuck chairs, and sucking up to their wives' boyfriends, so the idea never got past clinical trials.

Here's the thing though. Men could afford to be irrationally paranoid about the pill. Women couldn't. For women, the pill was so much more than a way to avoid dropping an autograph on a birth certificate. It represented freedom, independence, and above all, control over their bodies.

That's why I'm not fully buying into this.

My third eye can already see hordes of women in their 20s shoulder-barging these pills down their boyfriends' throats as soon as they hit the drugstores. Of course, this is an easy choice for them. They grew up in peak girlboss culture. They can put on a power pantsuit and suck at parallel parking with the confidence that, even if their boyfriends can't find the G spot, there are multi-million R&D departments designing toys that do.

But in the sixties? A woman's right to pleasure was a tougher elevator pitch than toothpaste-flavored pizza. Not the crowd-endorsed, hashtag-heavy movement it is today.

Giving all that hard-earned girl power feels like a cultural step back, no?

I don't want to read too far into the tea leaves here, but...

I predict two scenarios. One is that Andrew Tate is gonna hear the word "gene" sprinkled in the pill's marketing and immediately go out in a podcasting rampage about how it's gonna tamper with his Sigma DNA or some bullshit.

That's the good one.

The darkest timeline involves a sizeable flock of manspreading douchebags powering through the emasculating undertones of "being a man on the pill," just to use it as an excuse to practice the kind of casual, gloveless sex that can make STD portfolios go viral. And I doubt Tinder will have the balls to ban them all.

Men should step up — but not too much.

It sucks that the birth control pill went from a woman's right to a woman's responsibility. It somehow became something we take for granted, like the pink tax on razors. And rarely does any man offer himself to split the bill here.

But girls. I don’t think you wanna be water-breaking all over the carpet of a guy with a weak diaper-duty mindset, so before you give a man that much control over contraceptive matters, make sure he already has a sizeable repertoire of dad jokes ready to bear with the consequences.

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Anyway, enough damage for a day. Don’t forget to share your favorite bedroom meds in the comments section. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ll be over there waiting for my melatonin gummies to drool me into a coma.

Stay cocky,

Loudt