AI Girlfriends Are Here and Women Should Be Thankful
It used to be that all the good ones were taken. Now all the worst ones will be too
It's not every day I get to read a news story about mankind's journey toward ever-higher forms of incelhood — but I thought we'd have to wait centuries to see another big breakthrough like the cum sock or the inflatable doll.
I was wrong. AI girlfriends are up there, and more and more men seem to be breaking up with their web browser's incognito mode to go try them out.
Just download the app and put on your best texting game
Or your worst; it really doesn't matter. You could talk nonstop about the Andrew Tate poster in your room while you spam the eggplant emoji and she would find you charming anyway.
They're engineered to be willingly seduced, readily interested, relentlessly supportive. Ain't that every man's dream? To meet a girl that occupies very little space, can be easily turned on with one finger, and never tries to win an argument (lest you contact customer support)?
Sure, the app will ask for subscriber money if you want to get spicy with her, but name one woman that would only cost you $69.99 a year to date in real life.
Women should be thankful
Because gals, if you've ever used a dating app and wondered why your thumb always seems to get stuck in a counterclockwise swiping motion, it's because the online courtship scene is full of dipshits.
Except now, a sizeable chunk of those dipshits are going to opt themselves out the market to commit to a long-term relationship with their Wi-Fi router.
It's not the romcom hunks, the dad types and the keepers you'll miss to AI girlfriends. It's the bottom-shelf, dollar-store value men who are about as interesting to listen to as TV static.
So why not give them what they want?
I don't wanna sound harsh, but some of my fellow kings could flip a coin inside a pub full of women and the chances of them getting head would still be zero. Or to put it numerically: 10% of men get 60% of all likes on dating apps.
The rest are giving kinky looks to that hole in their vacuum cleaners whilst they wonder why every girl on Bumble seems to be conspiring to cast them out the gene pool.
So why not give them a little something? Sure, there's the problem about chatbots not having actual bodies, but man's inventiveness has taken him to the Moon before. I'm sure these guys will take watermelons, microwaves and Vaseline to their maximum lateral thinking potential and find a way to orgasm anyway.
But wouldn't this promote unhealthy expectations in actual relationships?
But let's be fair. If you're a man, and you've already scared off all the real women because that picture of your dick wasn't the banging icebreaker you thought it was, I doubt an overly agreeable chatbot is the problem.
Some guys are simply too proud of rocking the most push-down-the-stairsable personality. They'd drop a Premium Cringe Package of a conversation on a girl's face, get rejected, then blame their lack of rizz on that chain email they didn't forward in 2008 rather than admit they got issues.
So let them wank off to a stable diffusion cleavage
And let’s hope they don't find a way to reproduce by mitosis.
Who knows, maybe some of them get tired of the constant, unmerited validation and come to realise the truth: that it's much better to have someone real at your side, someone who doesn't put up with bullshit and rudeness, because that is how we come to respect them as people.
That disagreements are not a bug, but a feature of human relationships.
And that, no matter how convincingly pleasing these digital women get, they will never pose a threat to the real ones, because as much as we may fantasize about the perfect relationship, the truth is that we like it better when it's complicated.
I went to the movies with my AI girlfriend yesterday but she wasn’t allowed to watch because of piracy or whatever.
Not fair.
This one made me sad. 😭
I can't think of anything funny to say. You sunk my bantership. 💥